I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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