Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
