Ketchup is God's man juice
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
