you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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