I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
