Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
