I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
