remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
