So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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