hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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