Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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