Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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