get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
