EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
