This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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