Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
