i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
