so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
