The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
