It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
