I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
