just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So much rum. So many feels.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
