whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
