he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I stole a fireplace last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
