We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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