How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
