My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
