I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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