Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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