last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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