Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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