I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
