I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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