i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
