your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
