he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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