Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
