just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
