I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
