i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm too high and old for this...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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