i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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