If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
