3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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