Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
