Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
