sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
