you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
