The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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