then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
