My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
