I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
